Before you make any moves to win back an ex, it is absolutely necessary that you calm down and relax. There is no question that emotions run high during a break up, and for a while after it has happened. However, if you let your emotions get the better of you, then you will destroy any chance you have of getting your ex back. You need to be able to make a plan and follow it. You have to be able to commit to it, think logically, and remain focused.

The best way to calm down is to give yourself time away from your recent drama. How much time you need is up to you, but you should be able to feel a definite difference in your state of mind. The people who don’t take this time before trying to win back an ex often find that they are too emotional and that their ex pulls further away. Obviously this is counterproductive to what you are trying to do.

Take care of yourself during this time. Your goal is to win back an ex, and that means you need to be the type of person your ex would like to be with. Now, that doesn’t mean you should pretend to be somebody you’re not. But it does mean that you should be the best you that you can possibly be. And the only way to do that us by taking care of yourself; mentally and physically.

The other thing to do during this time is to reflect on what went wrong. Don’t beat yourself up over what went wrong, though. The idea here is to identify the mistakes that were made so you will be able to correct them. You and your ex are both human, and you both made mistakes. The more of these serious mistakes that you can identify and fix, the better.

Once you have had enough time (and your ex has had enough time, too) it’s time to contact your ex. If you want to win back an ex then you have to take things slowly at first. Start with simple, low-key conversations that stay positive. Eventually you will be at a point where you discuss the past and your plan for correcting those mistakes. Once you do that, the next natural step will be to get back together.

Keep in mind, though, that getting back together may not be the best thing for your particular situation. Make plans and be optimistic about getting your ex back, but also be realistic and recognize if repairing your relationship is just not the right path for either of you. If it is not, then it is time to move on with your life and find new relationships.

For many marriages, surviving an affair without getting help from outside the marriage is almost impossible. Forgiving infidelity is a possible goal of counseling, but coping with infidelity is an even more crucial skill to learn if your marriage is to survive. Infidelity in marriage does not have to spell the end of the union, but it takes a lot of hard work on the both of both parties to survive infidelity.

A marriage bond can break when both spouses aren’t committed to continually working to maintain, strengthen and build their connection to one another. And if your spouse has cheated, this connection suffers a devastating rupture. Re-establishing lines of communication and working to rebuild trust are necessary if you are to repair the emotional connection between you.


Here are three rules to help you begin…

Rule 1: Observe 100% Honesty and Transparency

The first rule to implement is communication will, from this day forward, be based on 100% honesty. Create an open-door policy, meaning—you won’t keep any secrets locked away in an internal mental closet.

Have you ever had the feeling that someone you know, and this includes your spouse, wasn’t telling you the whole story about something? Or you felt that something was bothering them, but when you asked, their reply was ‘It’s nothing’? You knew there was more, and yet, this person won’t share what this more is, and so you question their secrecy and doubt their honesty.

By following a guideline of 100% honesty and transparency, neither you nor your spouse will be left in doubt. Otherwise, building trust will never be successful if you always have a question in your mind about what you are hearing (or not hearing) from each other.

Rule 2: Set Questioning Ground Rules

Following on the heels of advising you to use 100% honesty, it’s also fair to caution that honesty can have some bite to it if you’re not careful. If you ask questions that you’re not sure you want the answers to, it’s better not to ask until you’re sure you do.

Also, if honesty is being used as a bludgeon to beat the cheater with more guilt, understand this is not constructive if your long-term goal is healing. The goal is to survive infidelity and move forward, not stay caught up in a wash-and-spin cycle of emotional backlash.

It helps if you and your spouse decide on a list of what types of questions are okay, and which ones are not. Also, when answering a question and trying to employ honesty, both spouses must use common sense and good judgment and know how to answer honestly—but with diplomacy.

Rule 3: Arrange a Talk Date

When going through the after-effects of an affair, it’s a challenge to communicate on many levels. If the victim wants to bring up the topic, but the cheater happens to have had a bad day at the office, the cheater may snap at their spouse because of bad timing. This can stifle the type of communication needed that moves you forward, creating yet another marital setback.

What a couple in crisis can do is set an appointment, a time and place to meet and talk, with total focus on each other. It may seem odd at first, but if your marriage needs help, and your relationship is strained, your conversations need structure until they can feel natural again. By pre-arranging a time, both spouses can prepare themselves emotionally and psychologically, clearing their mind of other matters and giving their full focus to their partner for a block of time.

These rules will take time and patience to implement, but each one helps move your marriage forward, away from the period of infidelity and on toward a stronger, more powerful emotional connection.

Okay, okay! Your first thought is probably that it sounds counterproductive, distasteful, and there is no way whatsoever that you would ever do such a thing. Those thoughts and feelings are perfectly natural, but what if you were able to win back your ex boyfriend by doing so? Would that change your mind?

Allow me to explain. After breaking up with somebody you still care about, your thoughts are going to be focused on them. You are going to be preoccupied with how you can get them back. And you also know that the longer you wait to patch things up, the better the chances that he will have found somebody new. But what’s really going on?

You need to understand that even though you are apart right now, the chances are very high that your ex boyfriend is still thinking about you. After all, you were a part of his life, and it’s not possible for him to completely remove you from his memory. Furthermore, even if he is dating somebody else, that doesn’t mean his feelings for you are gone. This possibility opens the door to getting back together, so there is no reason for you to panic.

So, before you start trying to track him down to plead your case, take a break and ease off. The best thing you can do is to give him some space and time. He needs some time to sort things out, and you also need to give him some time to start missing you. That will never happen if you keep pestering him.

As soon as you realize that you won’t be contacting your ex right away, it’s time for you to start having a social life again. Go ahead! Get dressed up and go out and have some fun with your friends. This will serve two purposes. One, it will help you keep your mind off your ex. Two, it will give your self-esteem a much needed boost.

When you are going out with friends, stay open to the idea of meeting somebody new. In other words, don’t let the thought of getting your ex boyfriend back prevent you from being happy. Feel free to start dating somebody else. However, the key here  is not to use somebody else to make your ex boyfriend jealous. That wouldn’t be cool. Instead, strive to be a happy, well-adjusted person. And over time, your ex boyfriend is sure to take notice. Then, if the opportunity should come up, you can always get back together.

Another possibility is that you might discover that your ex boyfriend is pretty boring compared to the new guy you have found and you don’t really want to get back together with him after all!

Emotions run high after a break up. That is a natural reaction, but these emotions can work against you if you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back. There aren’t any high school classes that teach us how to handle breakups which means we often have to navigate the situation on our own; stumbling through it all and hoping we’re going about it the right way. The good news is that all you really need to increase your chances of success is a simple plan like the one that follows.


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You need to give your ex some time and space. This has the dual effect of giving each of you a chance to calm down and collect your thoughts, as well as sending your ex boyfriend the signal that you are doing fine without him. What? That’s right. Even though you may feel like a wreck without having him in your life, you have to show how much you don’t need him.

Do what you can to reconnect with any family and friends that you haven’t talked to in a while. Now, you don’t want to whine about everything and unload all of your problems on them. But you should certainly feel free to just talk to them and draw emotional support from them; not necessarily in a direct way, but from the fact that you have a social circle of people that care about you.

While it’s not a part of the overall plan, you may wish to ask your family and friends what they saw as the downfall of your relationship. Be cautious though. If they didn’t like your ex, they may place undue blame on him. On the other hand, if they did like him, they may lay more blame on you. However, you could also hear some things you weren’t aware of, and will be able to fix those things.

Regardless of whether or not you ask the people you know, you have to reflect on what went wrong. You need to try to look at it as logically as possible, as though you were an outside observer.

After taking some time away from each other and finding out what went wrong, it’s time to talk to your ex. Do not make the mistake of baring all of your feelings at once. You need to keep the first conversations light and positive. Over the course of several conversations, you can start talking about what went wrong, how you plan on doing better, and the possibility of getting back together. That’s really about all there is to how to get your ex boyfriend back. However, this or any other plan is totally useless if you don’t follow through on the steps. So, the choice is yours. You can read this and keep hoping, or you can actually do something to make it happen.

You just found out you are married to a cheater. It may feel as if the world just came crashing down upon you. Now what?To find out about your spouse’s cheating is one of the most wrenching, emotionally-devastating events that can happen in a marriage—ranked up there with the death of a spouse.

Is Forgiving Infidelity Something You Should Do?

A common reaction from the cheating victim is, “I don’t know what to do.” What should you do first? You are trying to pick up what can feel like the shredded remnants of your life after you’ve had the wind knocked out of you, so be patient with yourself while you figure out what to do.Infidelity shreds everything that was once whole: your relationship with and trust in your spouse, your sense of peace, your self-esteem and your thoughts. It can be extremely overwhelming, especially since you have more going on than just tending your relationship. No doubt you are trying to run your household, take care of family members, and work, too—while in excruciating psychological and emotional pain. Forgiving infidelity may not be at the top of your list right now.

After learning of the affair, you may not know exactly where to begin the healing process, but here is a broad-based plan so you can break the process down into more manageable phases. Most people experiencing a crisis feel better with a working plan. It’s concrete, it’s logical—and it’s something solid to hold onto in an uncertain, emotionally-wrought time.

Here are the 3 phases you need to know to help you learn how to survive infidelity and heal from the pain.

Phase 1: The Cheating Victim: Your Pain Comes First 

Healing in the marriage can’t come until you have looked after yourself first. As has been emphasized in previous blogs, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have an easy time taking care of anything or anyone else.

If you want to survive infidelity, you need to address the onslaught of thoughts and emotions that are overwhelming you. If you don’t have a firm internal foundation, you will be unable to rebuild a firm foundation in your marriage.

You have to deal with the negative impact of your spouse’s cheating actions. This includes effectively handling all of those negative thoughts and emotions, images of the affair, and self-doubts until you begin to feel some semblance of internal peace again.

Putting solid ground down internally will strengthen your ability to put one down externally in phase two.

Phase 2: The Couple in Crisis: Begin Working—and Healing—Together

This is as challenging a phase as the first one in which you work on yourself—perhaps even more so. In phase 2, you need to work on communcating effectively with your spouse.

No doubt, the early stages of this phase will feel very strained. You may have a lot of anger, and find yourself lashing out at your spouse, and your spouse’s response may be the silent treatment as retaliation for the discomfort he or she may feel over what they have done to your marriage.

It will take effort on the part of you and your spouse to work together on your communication skills, and for you as the victim, to feel some sense of trust that your partner is truly committed to this process.

There will be lapses into negative thoughts as you begin to work with your spouse, but it doesn’t mean your internal foundation is at risk—it’s just being challenged by the rawness of communicating after the devastation of the affair.

Phase 3: Rebuild Your Marriage (or not) 

Once you and your spouse are able to communicate effectively, you are ready to begin rebuilding the foundation of your marriage. If, despite your best efforts, communication just can’t seem to happen, it may be time to consider terminating your marriage. With work and commitment, most marriages can survive infidelity.

It is in this phase that you will work on rebuilding trust. In essence, you are wiping clean the way things have “always been done” in your marriage, and recreating a stronger foundation with very clear-cut, defined rules.

The work of a marriage never stops, so this phase will move from a period of rebuilding to one in which you are continuously solidifying. There will even be occasions where you step back into the first two phases, so don’t be thrown off your end goal, which is surviving infidelity.

You have many things going on in your life besides the mere fact of your spouse’s infidelity. You may have children whose emotions you must consider and you may have job pressures keeping you from devoting as much attention as you need to yourself and your family to try to protect your kids at the same time you are deciding whether your marriage is worth saving.

It is imperative that you focus on rediscovering who YOU are as you recover from the infidelity that has torn your world apart. Here are three crucial steps to take in that direction:

Step 1: Manage Your Thoughts to Boost Your Self Esteem

A spouse’s infidelity impacts you on many levels. But one of the most personal is what happens to your thoughts. Waves of ugliness crash through your mind, with self-doubt and self-recriminations taking front and center. You need to constructively manage these thoughts by countering them with self-talk that moves you forward.

If you track your thoughts for a few days and write down what you “hear,” you’ll see some patterns emerge. Most victims of infidelity say it’s like having a broken record, repeating its nasty song over and over. So, make a new recording: write down words that you can use to counter those negative thoughts and boost your self-esteem by focusing on your good qualities.

Step 2: Use a Journal to Improve Rediscovery Momentum

You may struggle with the whirl of images and negative thoughts in your mind: creating positive thoughts, countering negative ones, and working to move forward. One way to capture and hold the good is to keep a written journal (or one on your computer).

In your journal, you can write down happy memories of yourself in the past, how you’ve grown stronger over the years in dealing with various life changes, what you’re dealing with now and how you’re working through it, and ideas for what you envision your future to be. This will help you keep the momentum in your journey of rediscovery.

Step 3: Take Action to Ensure your Rediscovery Happens


As you journal and jot down ideas of what your ideal future looks like, commit to taking one action—either daily or weekly—that moves you closer to this vision. You want to be happy, sure. But define what it looks like.

What specific actions can you take right now to move you closer to that vision? Is it trying something you’ve never done before, such as finally learning to sail, or learning how to bake artisan breads, or going on a tour of historical sites that have been on your list of things to do “one day?”

Taking action is living. As you take action, you will rediscover yourself, your passions, what makes you swoon, what makes you feel inspired.

If you take these steps to create a healthy life for yourself outside your marriage, you will be in a stronger position as you decide whether to try to rebuild your relationship with your spouse, or move on. In either case, learning to value yourself as you are coping with infidelity is a crucial process.

But, you can get beyond this initial period of pain and bewilderment and learn to move on with your life. You might find ways to repair your relationship with your husband, you may even forgive him one day, or, you might decide he is just not worth it and file for divorce so you can get on with your life. It is crucial in these early days of dealing with his affair that you get expert help from qualified sources. Survive the Affair is just such a resource. Sign up now to get started on your healing path.

What did she complain about before she left you? Review those complaints and maybe ask others if they agree. How will you ever get ex girlfriend back or establish a new relationship with another girl if you don’t learn from your mistakes?

Or did you leave her? Maybe you made the mistake of letting her go and you want to get her back. You need to realize how badly you may have hurt her. You need to find out if she hates you because of what you did. Maybe she needs a little time away. Let her have some time alone. You shouldn’t be too far away but you shouldn’t stalk her, either.

You need to prove to her that you made a mistake in dumping her and you won’t do it again. The best way to accomplish this is to give her the space and gain her trust back slowly. You made a mistake; you now have to deal with the consequence. If she’s worth it to you, you’ll do it.



Let her know you want to get back with her. She needs to know she’s special and you are willing to work hard to get back with her. If she believes you and you’ll work hard she may get back with you without any further convincing and she’ll be back in your arms.

The best way of how to get ex girlfriend back is to be honest and open in communication, don’t lie or cheat. Don’t just look at her mistakes, look at yours too and do something about them. You can’t change her but you can change yourself. When you do she’ll love you more and that’s how to get ex girlfriend back and resume your relationship.

1. Unless you honestly believe your ex may get violent (and don’t pretend like you are afraid of this if you really have no reason to be just because you’re a chicken) then you should meet them in person and tell them face to face that the relationship is over. It’s the most respectful way to do it. Even if your ex was a royal jackass and treated you like crap, it’s still the best way for you to handle it since it will show, yet again, that you are the bigger person.

2. State your case and be firm. You aren’t asking them for permission or that they agree with you, you are just letting them know where you are coming from. It’s not really important if they see things the way you do or not (after all, if the two of you were so much on the same page it’s likely that you wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place). Don’t forget that you are just being courteous and respectful of them and their feelings, you are explaining your feelings, not justifying them.

3. If they have a question, or 6, answer them honestly. The only time I might recommend against full honesty is if you’ve already met someone new. There is no need to cause unnecessary pain. Other than that though, be kind but be honest.

4. Don’t get mushy and lose your nerve and turn your ‘breakup’ into a ‘break’ since it will only cause more pain when it becomes obvious to them that you really have no intention of ever getting back with them. If it’s a breakup then make sure you let them know that in no uncertain terms, don’t give them false hope of a reconciliation.

5. Make it clear that you don’t want to see them or talk to them again (as gently as possible). If they do call you, don’t answer. In the long run you’ll be doing them a favor since answering their calls and talking to them will only convince them that you want them back but you just haven’t ‘come to your senses yet’.

It stinks to have to break up relationship (though it may be slightly better than having someone breakup with you) so finding the best way to go about it so you inflict the least amount of pain is helpful. If you use these tips you should be able to accomplish just that.

While it may seem like this would be an easy thing to do it can actually be very difficult. There are a few reasons why achieving an honest evaluation can be a tough thing for people:

1) If you wait too long to honestly access the quality and strength of your relationship you may already be in too deep to be able to objectively analyze the weak points in your partner and your relationship.

Once you’ve fallen for that person you will see only what you want to see. Few people will still have the strength to honestly admit that there might be a problem. They will turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is great.

2) During the early days and most of the ‘dating phase’ of a relationship your partner, and you, can be very guarded and careful of what they let the other see. With some people it’s a deliberate attempt to hide their true colors with other’s it’s a more innocent “putting the best foot forward” type of thing.

Either way this tendency can make an honest evaluation very difficult.

One of the most important things you can do to try to have a secure and fulfilling relationship is to honestly evaluate the strength of your partner and the relationship early on.

It’s also important to take your time. Too many people ignore the warning signs because they just want to be with someoone so badly they are willing to be mis-treated just so they don’t have to be alone.

If you really want a strong relationship make sure you are strong first. If you are happy with you and you have made a full life for yourself filled with people and activities that make you happy, then you won’t be so desperate for a relationship that you allow yourself to be mis-treated.

Honestly evaluating your relationship with your partner is something everyone should do, but few actually do. The earlier you do it the easier it will be to see things clearly as they really are and not just as you want them to be. That is the difference between a happy and loving relationship and an unhappy and potentiallly abusive relationship.